Thursday, December 01, 2005

FAQ if your band is unpopular

1. If my band is unpopular, does that mean that we suck? Not necessarily. Many popular bands suck. Many excellent bands are unpopular. The music world is like a big High School, only moreso.

2. This band really sucks and they got more fans than we do. Waaaah!! Yeah, some bands can get a crowd out because, frankly, they suck in a pleasing manner. There are hordes of bands ripping off Dave Matthews, Grateful Dead, Screamo (the genre where individual bands cannot be told apart), Nickelback, Tool, Metallica, etc. ad nauseum. They can always get a better crowd than yours because, if you are doing something original, nobody's heard of your thing. Everyone's heard of Nickelback, and that band sounds JUST LIKE Nickelback. And it only costs $3. And those dudes, like, live in our dorm.

3. Let's go back to question 1 for a second. If my band is unpopular, does that mean we suck? Well yes, actually, your band may very well suck.

4. How can I get more people to show up for our shows? Should I do more flyers? Play on bills with more popular bands? Suck somebody's cock? Yes, you should do all of those things. Your band may still suck, but you might get more people out to shows. It takes a long time to build a loyal following.

5. Actually, I don't like the people showing up to our shows. They scare me. This kind of thing can happen every once in a while. Don't worry about it; you have more in common with them than you might think.

6. Will I get famous from this and be able to get that house in Malibu along the beach? Probably not. I hope you're not doing this because you have some kind of hope to sell platinum. Ask yourself the following questions: a.)are people throwing money at me? b.)are big name producers falling over themselves to be on our next project? c.)do we even HAVE a project, let alone a next one? d.)are famous people coming up to me and asking to suck my joint? Are they also giving some love to the ballsack? e.)am I dating a supermodel? f.) do I employ a housekeeping staff? If you've answered no to any of the above questions, keep your job at Autozone.

7. Should I quit this band and form or join another one? Maybe. It could be that you are an unrecognized talent, the next Kurt Cobain or maybe even Brad Gillis of Nightranger. You can look forward to playing St. Petersburg Ribfest when you are in your fifties. Then again, you may be peaking at the present moment....

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